One in three women a week report injuries inflicted by their partner; no doubt there are many more, who through shame or fear, don’t report.
Men can be victims of domestic violence too, although murder by a female partner is much rarer. It is hard to determine how many men suffer from domestic abuse given their reluctance to report it, as demeaning to their masculinity.
Children are victims, too. They may be physically assaulted or even killed, and certainly emotionally and psychologically damaged by witnessing violence.
Could your Partner be Violent?
So how does this happen? Nobody goes into a relationship expecting it to turn violent!
The problem is that when we meet someone attractive and fall in love we are initially both presenting our best selves. Thanks to the neurochemistry of love and sexual attraction we are on a “high”, which can blind us to some of the signs that a long term relationship may end in misery and tragedy for at least one of the lovers.
Sometimes lovers are willingly blind despite what family and friends may tell them, because so much about the other person ticks all the boxes: financial security, sexual attractiveness, mutual interests, charm, seemingly shared values.
In other cases, a problem not present at the start of a relationship, such as a brain injury, financial failure, mental illness, addictions, PTSD from service in a war zone or other traumatic experiences may emerge later in a relationship, and therefore be impossible to have predicted.
There is no certain, all-encompassing way of predicting the potential for domestic violence, but there are some warning signs that are important to consider before entering a dependent, long-term relationship.
6 Signs of Potential Domestic Violence
Here are some of the indications to be alert for:
1. A need to control. Your new love has a need to control what you wear, who you see, what activities you are involved in, your money, which friends or family you can see, your work pattern, your weight.
Initially, the need to control may seem harmless – such as humorous but unkind comments about you or your connections. However this usually escalates into more aggressive expressions of dislike about you having areas of your life separate to his, as your dependence on the relationship increases. This is a very strong indicator of future pain, especially if you try to keep your partner happy by complying.
Couples counselling may help, but a refusal to attend or repeated assertions that you have the problem is a good indicator that it is time to end the relationship before the controlling behaviour gets worse.
2. Jealousy. Trust is essential in any healthy partnership. If either partner becomes upset and angry over imagined flirting behaviours or platonic friendships with the opposite sex, it is unlikely that you are going to enjoy a mutually respectful and trusting partnership. Sexual jealousy is too often a potent motivator for domestic violence.
Again, couples counselling before making any commitment to marry or co-habit with a highly jealous person is advisable. If one partner refuses to go, insisting it is your problem, it is likely a safer option to end the relationship rather than risking, at the very least, a great deal of unhappiness, and at most, the strong likelihood of suffering either or all of emotional, psychological, financial, sexual and physical abuse.
3. Contemptuous Mockery. Little mocking put-downs about you, your friends or family … especially if done in public, indicate there is little respect for you and little kindness.
Over time, as you become more involved and less able to leave due to children, finances, loss of family and social support, your self-confidence and belief in your abilities and worth can be seriously undermined. This is psychological abuse which over time is debilitating, inculcating a belief that you are incompetent and worthless. It is then extremely difficult to take strong action when physical or other forms of serious abuse begin to emerge … when it escalates, a sense of helplessness and fear make it very hard to hard to escape.
4. Violent, aggressive behaviour to others. While you may have yet to experience aggression and rage from the one you are in love with, you know or have witnessed his violence to others. There might be road rage, punch-ups at family gatherings or on nights out.
If he comes from a family where abuse is the norm and your partner agrees with it, engages in it, or thinks it “doesn’t mean anything”, then you must beware. Anger management and self-control is vital to having a safe and fulfilling relationship. Individuals who succumb to outbursts of uncontrolled anger, aggressive verbal abuse and threats, damaging property, animals, and people – especially when they blame their behaviour on the situation or actions of others, are not safe to become involved with in an intimate relationship. Physical and verbal aggression is never an acceptable way to deal with anger and frustration in a loving relationship
5. Addictions. Alcohol abuse is a frequent factor involved in domestic violence. As a society, we tend to accept heavy drinking as the norm, so alcohol addiction is often not called for what it is. Entering a relationship with a heavy drinker is high risk, as well as getting involved with anyone who takes rage-inducing drugs like “ice” which are highly likely to fuel dangerous rages. Being involved with anyone involved with illegal drugs is high risk anyway as it can bring some dangerous people into your life, as well as having some serious legal consequences.
Get out of these relationships fast or put on hold until you are certain they have “kicked the habit” of either alcohol or drugs – and even then, be very cautious about your certainty.
6. Warnings from those who care. If your caring friends and the family members whose judgement you have always trusted are really concerned about the relationship, because they see you may be in danger and can see what your love-blinded eyes cannot, PLEASE LISTEN TO THEM. Let the relationship go before you get seriously involved, no matter how hard the break, to avoid the probability of an emotionally and possibly physically painful future for yourself or any children you may have.
If you are fearful of being hurt when you end a relationship call:
- The Domestic Violence Help Line 1800 811 811 (help both for males and females concerned they, a friend or family member is at risk.)
- The webpage www.dvconnect.org has more information about help available.
- For urgent assistance when you are in immediate danger, call 000.
Susanne Gilmour is a Registered Psychologist experienced in working with individuals, couples and families around a range of relationship issues, including domestic violence.
Bookings and Fees: To make an appointment with Susanne Gilmour, try Online Booking – Loganholme or call M1 Psychology (Loganholme) on (07) 3067 9129.